![]() I know there’s a lot of me that you still need to see (how I look in a bikini, I guess?) but I am confident that the will of the American people will prevail and from the great state of Washington all the way to the also great state of Maine, one hashtag will ring out-a pledge, a promise, that we can, and we will do better. To ABC, the decision you’re facing is a challenging one. Ladies and gentlemen, I repeat: I will eat the food they give us on dates. I will eat the food they give us on dates. Dana Schwartz is a writer whose work has appeared in the New Yorker, Mental Floss, the Guardian, the New York Observer, MTV News, and VICE.When she’s not on Twitter as one of her parody accounts (GuyInYourMFA and DystopianYA), she’s on Twitter as herself (DanaSchwartzzz), sharing far too much personal information to ever pull off the Thomas-Pynchon-reclusive-author thing. I will talk to the boys about real issues and not just how much we’re “falling for” each other. I will have interests that extend beyond gazing into the ocean for b-roll footage. “Former” anything is not a job.Ībove all, I will be an actual person. It should also be noted that I am not attracted to careers as former athletes. “I’m really falling for you,”-go back Washington, you establishment hack! I am not easily wooed by lobbying groups or men who peaked in highs school. I will hold these assholes accountable and I will not fall for their tired, establishment politics lines. I am tired of Nice, Pretty Girls who are Cool because they care about sports and love watching you josh around with her brothers.Īmerica, I will be your Bachelorette. But a fit of pretty crying later, JoJo sent him away with a brush of her well-manicured hand, bookending the experience with another round of pretty crying for good measure. He told JoJo he loved her, which, amazingly enough, sort of seemed like he meant it. Luke (who will almost certainly be the next Bachelor), rode horses and was from Texas and treated her with the basic respect and interest that you’d expect in someone you were dating. Her record speaks for itself: first, she sent home Wells, the only guy on this show I would have wanted to date, let alone have a conversation with in a bar if we were to actually meet.Īnd last week, she proved, once and for all, that she is unfit for leadership: she sent home Luke, the last decent guy on this show. JoJo is good at keeping her manicures from chipping, and riding horses, and giving us exposition about semi-exotic locations, and looking pretty when she cries.īut JoJo is terrible at this television show, which requires her to date thirty or so guys and dump all but one of them for our entertainment, all the while pretending to be thrilled at the prospect of getting married to someone she’s known for all of a month and a half. She looks great in glittery beaded dresses, and she can somehow kneel in said dresses without falling over. She is good using a curling iron to create soft, loose waves in her long brown hair. She is good at some things that make her look like a good Bachelorette.
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